Day 2374: Mr Balloon Gets Ruthless

Monday:


"Ruthless": that is how The Times described Mr Balloon today when he struck out on his own with decisive action to relaunch his faltering Conservatory brand and seize control of the news agenda by, er, doing exactly what Mr Frown has done: he announced a reshuffle.

It's hardly ORIGINAL; even Sir Mr the Merciless is doing it!

So, what are the changes? Well, he has ruthlessly kept Mr Gideon Oboe as Shadow Chancellor, now with even more things to mess up responsibilities; he has brutally asked Mr Vague to remain as Shadow Secretary of State for Places-that-don't-speak-with-a-proper-accent; and he has been quite unforgiving in retaining Mr Davis David as Shadow Home Secretary!

All in all, Me Balloon's idea of "change" amounts to "much the same" then. This, I admit, is not news.

The EYE-CATCHING surprise news is of course supposed to be that he has axed his old Old Etonian Chum Mr Whogo Swires and half-axed Mr David Two-Brains Willits (or perhaps totally axed one of his two brains)…

[R: surely "…that he has appointed a NICE Lady Muslim and Dame Pauline from Eastenders"?]

…who are of course the two people who have accidentally BETRAYED HIM by coming out with POLICIES recently: charging people to see NICE things; and building / not building / building / who knows more Grandma schools.

Yes, it is straight into the PIRANHA POOL for anyone who lets down Mr Balloon, I can tell you!

So, just like Mr Frown's MAD-HATTER'S TEA PARTY in the Cabinet, much movement but all GOING NOWHERE!

Mr Balloon's dizzying approach to politics (SPIN, my beauties, SPIN!) may have left some of the elderly Conservatory gentlefolk CONFUSED. People like Miss Ann "Is Bernard Manning REALLY dead?" Winterton are baffled: what has happened to all those things they used to treasure? Cutting taxes, shooting foxes / immigrants / poor people, and cutting taxes; all the central planks of any Conservatory Election Programme, and where have they gone? Nowadays it is all hugging hoodies / hating hoodies / hugging hoodies / whatEVER! It has left them wondering whether Mr Balloon stands for anything… and they aren't going to stand for it!

Still, at least his PR COUP has had one immediate effect – another DEFECTION!

Welcome to the Liberal Democrats Mr Brij Mohan Gupta, formerly the Conservatories Deputy Chair in KEY By-Election seat of Ealing Southall.

"Under David Balloon the Conservatories have become a party of STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE…" said Mr Gupta. "…The Conservatory candidate CANNOT WIN in Ealing Southall!"

Perhaps it is time for ANOTHER reshuffle, Mr Balloon?