Day 2244: Iraq – Time to Go, Lord Blairimort

Thursday:


"In my view, we will beat them when we realise that it is not our fault that they are doing it."

That was Lord Blairimort sharing his WISDOM on the Iraq insurgency with the House of Commons.

This is one of those times when SATIRE cannot compete with REALITY, isn't it.


The GOOD NEWS is that our troops are coming home. Well, some of them anyway.

The BAD NEWS is that Lord Blairimort still won't say sorry for the war he started.

Or as Lord B would put it:

"No, I am sorry, we should not apologise"



Lord Blairimort has set out a TIMETABLE for the gradual reduction of our presence in the Middle-Eastern WAR ZONE.

Sir Mr the Merciless reminded Lord Blairimort that LAST MONTH the Liberal Democrats had called for a timetable to remove our troops from harm's way.

Lord Blairimort had RUBBISHED the idea then… and rubbished AGAIN today:

"I cannot for the life of me see how it can be right, when those elements are conducting themselves in such a way, and the alternative has been voted for by the Iraqi people and backed by the UN, to say that we should walk away and leave them to get on with it."

said Lord Blairimort AS HE WAS ANNOUNCING that we would be walking away and leaving them to get on with it.

Does anyone else think our Prime Minister may be TOTALLY LOSING IT?

(Answer: YES – his own former SPECIAL ENVOY TO IRAQ, for starters)

Sir Mr the Merciless pressed the PM on a number of points:

• The government has supported both the Iraq Study Groups recommendation of a phased withdrawal of US troops AND the Monkey-in-Chief plan to SURGE in a whole lot more. Which is it?

• Is he going to agree that there should be more engagement with Iran, or will he be going along those Neo-Cons in Washington who say it's time to start bombing Iran too?

• Has any thought been given to what the terrorists might do if you put a lot more troops into Baghdad and take a lot of troops away from Basra? Does he have a plan in case the obvious occurs?

• And, perhaps most importantly, has anyone remembered we we're supposed to be using diplomacy to settle the Israel-Palestine conflict since before this whole 'let's have a war' thing kicked off?

Lord Blairimort's reply was: look, the important thing about what the Americans are doing is that Prime Minister M'lackey has been told to give their strategy his full support and that's exactly what he's doing. And so would you if you were in Prime Minister M'lackey's position, i.e. trapped in the green zone with a hundred thousand heavily armed Americans telling you what to do.

As for the Baker-Hamilton report, I'll say no more than I've already said to Mr Balloon, namely, yah boo sucks to you.


Lord Blairimort popped up again this morning on the The Today Programme. The BBC describe him as being DEFIANT, but I would say he was just using as many TWISTY WORDS as he could to avoid having to say he was SORRY!

"I don't think we should be apologising because we are not causing the terrorism."

Well, except in the sense of smashing up Iraq; destroying the forces of law and order that might have kept the country intact; allowing in the foreign terrorists who had got away because we didn't bother to finish the job in Afghanistan properly; sacking the entire Iraqi police force so that they had to start accepting Iranian money or corruption; sending the whole Iraqi army home – with their guns – in order that they might set up the insurgency…

Hang on, Lord Blairimort's thought of that:

"There was no way that the Iraqi police force that was there under Saddam was going to be able to keep order in the country properly. [It was] an instrument of Saddam's dictatorship and therefore you were always going to have to build the Iraq police and army from scratch."

Right! So if you knew that you were ALWAYS going to have to replace the police and the army, you must have had a PLAN for what to do in the meantime, yes?

"These forces that are operating in Iraq at the moment, it's not a fault of planning or administration, it is a deliberate attempt by external extremists, like al-Qaeda"

So it was a COMPLETE surprise to you that al-Qaeda might be operating in Iraq? Didn't the Monkey-in-Chief have some big bee in his bonnet about Saddam being bestest buddies with Osama?

And didn't the CIA originally set up al-Qaeda anyway, back when they wanted them to fight the Russians… and we backed the Taleban when they were beating the Soviets in Afghanistan too. Mind you, we supported Saddam when we wanted him to fight the Iranians for us.

I must remember to look up the word FICKLE.

So, Lord Blairimort was accepting no responsibility for making terrorism worse, then.

"There is no justification even within their own terms for saying that when you remove, for example, the Taleban... it somehow justifies or excuses them blowing up wholly innocent people on the London Tube.

… Of course we shouldn't alter our foreign policy as a result"

What was that SHOCK AND AWE all about then?

Were you throwing HIGH EXPLOSIVES into HEAVILY POPULATED areas of Baghdad in order to TERRORISE the Iraqi government into changing its policy or were you just EXPLODING PEOPLE for FUN?


Didn't this all come back to the fact that in 2002, you and the Monkey-in-Chief just decided you were going to get rid of Saddam and hang the consequences, Mr Humpy asked.

"Look, if we'd decided it back then, why would we have gone back to the UN and tried to get the second resolution?"

Why does Lord Blairimort ALWAYS use this as though it proves he HADN'T already made his mind up – it proves THE EXACT OPPOSITE! Yes, they went back to the United Nations. And the United Nations said: NO. And then Lord Blairimort and the Monkey-in-Chief INVADED ANYWAY.

Doesn't that look to YOU like they'd made up their minds already?????

The REAL TRAGEDY is that we probably WON'T be able to get Lord Blairimort on the WAR CRIMES charges that he clearly deserves. We may have to settle for the AL CAPONE option of seeing him dragged off in chains for the lesser crime of PERVERTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE.

Oh dear, his nice Director of Government Relations, Ms Ruth Turner, has been grilled by Inspector Yates again.



Incidentally, in spite of the impending HAPPY DAY when Lord B finally goes (willingly or otherwise), there was bad news for his apprentice evil emperor, Mr Frown (or Darth Gordo, Dork Lord of the Smith Institute, as he prefers to be called*): a COLOSSAL GIANT SQUID has emerged from the depths of the sea off New Zealand and is going to challenge for the Labour Leadership!

[*] for reasons of BALANCE, this gag requires that we mention that Dale Winton is a trustee of the Pets Win Prizes Exchange.