Day 2237: "Something has gone clearly and radically wrong"

Thursday:


Not, it has to be said, entirely the BEST words to hear when you are discussing ATOMIC REACTORS!


The people from GREENSLEEVES have been to Court in order to call Lord Blairimort to account. Obviously, Lord Blairimort was found GUILTY.

This goes back to last year when Lord Blairimort announced a FULL CONSULTATION into whether we should build new nuclear powered terrorist targets all over the country or whether there might be something a bit cleaner, greener, safer and cheaper that we could do instead.

"Right… we're going to have these power stations. You lot… talk amongst yourselves," said Lord Blairimort, speaking at the start of the consultation. "I'm a busy man. Important haircut, radioactive glint in the eyes, melanoma cast to the skin."

Funnily enough, the judge thought that maybe… just maybe… Lord Blairimort DIDN'T ENTIRELY MEAN IT when he said it would be a proper discussion.

The judge has discovered that the government – you will be SHOCKED – did not give FULL information to the people on the consultation! In fact, they were asked to choose between:

A: pure atomic energy from this lovely shiny completely 100% safe, guaranteed by Lord Blairimort's personal word of honour, sparkling (no, that IS safe) nuclear reactor

Or

B: methane from this cow farting in a tent

Fortunately, our LISTENING PM has ENTIRELY taken on board the judge's criticism.

"Look…" he said, "I told you… last time. We're having these power stations… now you can go and do it all again… but you might as well… go whistle."

Good news for all those people voting on Lord Blairimort's CLICKBOX then!

Of course, things have moved along a little bit since last year: it is not only the atomic reactors that are in danger of MELTDOWN! It ought to be clear to the soon to be ex-Prime Minister that he will have a harder time railroading this through a second time with Mr Frown waiting in the wings and probably a good bit less keen on starting his own Premiership with RADIATION on his hands.

"My… ahhh… decision to… ahhh… axe Lord Blairimort's… ahhh… plan is entirely… ahhh… entirely down to the… ahhh… ex-pensive, imm-prudent and indeed… ahhh… ex-horbitant nature of these… ahhh… atomic deathtraps and… ahhh… nothing to do with… ahhh… kneeing him personally in the… ahhh…" as he might say.

Fortunately, there is BETTER NEWS to be had from the world of POWER, with the announcement that the plan to build one-hundred and eighty one GIANT WINDMILLS on the Isle of Lewis has been given the go-ahead.

(And a larger ALCOHOL powered power station will be built on the nearby Isle of Morse! Sorry!)

These 181 wind turbines should be able to generate up to 543 MWe of electricity – or 375,000 houses worth of electricity.

In comparison, a single modern nuclear power station produces between 600 and 1200 MWe – 400,000 to 800,000 houses worth.

Ah ha, say the sceptics, but the wind does not blow all the time! True, but neither do you have to turn it off in a hurry to avoid the CHINA SYNDROME. You may not have noticed this, but we actually get quite a LOT of wind in this country – especially in north Scotland – and it almost never ever stops blowing EVERYWHERE in the country at once. And – handily – it blows MORE in winter, when it is cold and people turn on their electric blankets more.

I am a big fan of windmills!

I know they are not to everybody's tastes. Some people prefer the gentle blue glow of a large concrete cube as it merrily IRRADIATES the local children, but I think that windmills look very LOVELY turning majestically against the horizon. Thonking the occasional passing seagull out of the sky.

Okay, SORRY, yes they do kill a few birds – but only about one or two a year per windmill. More than ten MILLION birds a year get killed by flying into someone's CAR – windmills don't do for NEARLY so many; we are hardly likely to build FIVE MILLION windmills, now are we?

(Not least because that would be enough to power the ENTIRE COUNTRY more than a HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY times over!)

I am particularly CHARMED that the two other complaints raised against wind farms are

1. The whirring sound can cause noise pollution
2. They get in the way of low-level aircraft training

Is it just me or does the DIRTY GREAT SCREAMING ROARING of the jet aeroplanes going past cause just the eensiest bit more NOISE?

It is even said that offshore windfarms might interfere with the nation's RADAR DEFENCE! Well, yes… if you assume that there IS an enemy capable of mounting an air attack on us any more AND that they are mad enough to fly their aircraft THROUGH a field of windmills! (see complaint 2 above!)

On the other fluffy foot, wind power is CLEAN, ABUNDANT, RELIABLE and AFFORDABLE. And it works! Oh, it also creates lots of new jobs (not just in construction) and at the end of their life they can be quickly and easily taken to pieces again. And they are popular – people LOVE windmills.

Saving the world can be FUN!

Still, if you don't think THAT is going to work, there will always be some other POTTY scheme along in a minute. Like THIS plan, clearly inspired by too much KATE BUSH, to float ocean going CLOUD MAKING YACHTS.


You couldn't make this stuff up, you know.