Monday:
Look, Look! The Liberal Democrats have an exciting New Crime Policy!
This has been widely reported in none of the newspapers and received no coverage on the BBC ten o'clock news, possibly because they were covering an announcement from Mr Balloon [Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher] that he has seen a butterfly, or learned how to fasten his own trousers or something.
Still, why cover politics when a story about robbing looters QUITE LITERALLY falls off the back of a cargo ship!
Daddy tells me to look up the words BITTER and TWISTED!
Life must mean life… is the headline that (when they're bothered) everyone seems to be sticking on the new crime policy initiative, as though being SUPER MACHO was the only important part, even though there are FIVE points to the plan. (The other FOUR are: (1) more police, fewer I.D.iot cards; (2) work and training to cut re-offending; (3) proper compensation for victims; and (4) take back our town centres.)
Okay, not QUITE everyone – only the Grauniad could warn that the policy could be spun another way… and then use that spin as their headline!
HONEST sentencing means telling people how long they are REALLY going to get rather than making judges say the words "life imprisonment" when it WON'T be, just because it makes the Home Secretary feel BUTCH.
Less mandatory life more mandatory LIE.
And isn't is a BETTER answer to control the number of people in prison by a DELIBERATE PLAN, rather than panicking because the prisons are all full and begging judges to set shorter sentences. Yes, I am looking a you, poor old Mr Dr Reid!
The other parties did not waste any time (or thought) in reissuing their standard "Lib Dems Soft on Crime" press releases.
Mr Edward Garnier, the Conservatory spokesperson on prisons (promoted to actual MINISTER by the Grauniaid – part of Mr Frown's cabinet of the talents, no doubt), said: "Once again, the Liberal Democrats show that they are soft on crime."
As opposed to the Conservatories whose silence on the BRIBES TO ARABIA scandal shows how they are merely soft on CRIMINALS.
Mr Tony McNulty, who really IS a Home Office minister, said: "If the Lib Dems really want to be taken seriously on crime they should start by admitting they were wrong to oppose Labour…"
Yes, CONFESS to the THOUGHTCRIME!!! Sorry, interrupted…
"…wrong to oppose Labour's tough and necessary measures on crime…"
But it is SO difficult to spot the "tough and necessary" ones amongst all the thousands of other things that the Labour are making illegal. Even the Labour don't know – that's why they keep REPEALING their own "tough and necessary" laws before they've had a chance to implement them!
Sorry, interrupted again…
"…and," he continues, "drop their policies which would result in offenders escaping justice."
As opposed to the Labour policies that just result in dangerous offenders ESCAPING.
Clearly these LAZY CLICHÉS from the parties of failed authoritarian "lock 'em up and forget about 'em" policies show why it is so important that we have a strong policy against crime to show that being a Soft Toy doesn't mean you are SOFT and being a Liberal MP isn't being LIMP.
Sir Mr the Merciless set out a BETTER answer, a PRACTICAL but RADICAL solution, that involves actually LOOKING at where the Labour have gone wrong over the last ten years.
Our local communities want to be able to say NO to the Labour's binge drinking and gambling in super casinos. Our police don't need I.D.iot cards, and DNA databases and another new thing made illegal every day, they want trained officers on the beat making people safe.
We don't want another ten years of the Labour's policies of failure.
And that's failure that the Conservatories, without any policies at all, are simply content go along with. Robbing Hoodies don't want HUGGING, Mr Balloon, they want HELPING with a plan to make them repay their debt to society and to pick up skills that will save them from having to go on the rob in the future.
So next time you are worried about the state of your neighbourhood, or scared to go into the town centre, think of the Liberal Democrats and remember: THEY FIGHT CRIME!
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