Day 2142: Queen's Peach

Wednesday:


So, Mrs The Queen gave her speech today, and here is what she had to say:

"My lords and members of the House of Commons, my government will pursue the main chance with its usual vigour and spin, continue to do the bloody stupid in the face of all reason and logic, increase the wastefulness of spending on consultants and advisors and ill-thought-out poorly-directed programmes that we do not need, all funded by dipping ever further into all of your wallets through an escalating regime of taxes from most of which we personally are thankfully exempt…"

She went on to promise a Criminal Justice Bill, a Climate Bill, a Criminal Justice Bill, a Pensions Bill (Bill for Pensions), a Criminal Justice Bill, A Roads Bill, a Criminal Justice Bill, a Welfare Reform (Criminalisation) Bill, a Criminal Justice Bill, a Bill to enact Crossrail, a Criminal Justice Bill and a Criminal Justice Bill.

Most people fell asleep during the actual speech and did not wake up until afterwards when Lord Blairimort and Mr Balloon had one of their SPATS about it.

Mr Balloon said that people were crying out for hope, and love, and new policies and if anyone knew where he could find any of these could they please leave him a message on his webcameraon.

Lord Blairimort replied with a warning that a BIG CLUNKING METAPHOR was going to come and get Mr Balloon and knock him out.

Apparently this was NOT a reference to the Minister for Magical Accidents and Punching By-Standers. But in fact to Mr Frown who Lord Blairimort would now like to acknowledge as best man to be next Prime Minister.

Except that apparently he wouldn't.

Unless of course he would.

He's having as much trouble MAKING HIS MIND UP as Mr Balloon does!


Sir Mr The Merciless pointed out – pretty reasonably – that making more and more laws is not going to change Lord Blairimort's legacy and isn't it about time the government did something about actually running the country rather than just putting more bills through the House of Commons?

The next day, Lord Blairimort's long time security blunket, Mr David Blanket on the Today Programme, to quash rumours that Mrs The Queen's Speech was just about FRIGHTENING PEOPLE.

He explained how when he had been Home Secretary, the government had acted to reduce FEAR.

Here are some of his quotes – with some translations into ENGLISH to help you:

• "I managed to have the tanks called back from Heathrow"
  (I'm hardly the student in Tiananmen Square, though, since it was me that put them there);


• "part of the reason why I didn't want a terrorism minister was that it would scare people"
  (the larger part of the reason is that it would have taken away the sexy part of my job);


• "the government did have a presentational failure over Iraq"
  (words just fail me)

Later still, the Prisons Minister appeared on Questionable Time and was asked: is this about the politics of fear?

"No," he said, "it is not the politics of fear – there genuinely are frightening terrorists out there intending to blow us all up! Run for you lives, flee flee! Oh the horror the horror!"

With the Labour Minister's on our side, we can all rest assured that it is only a matter of time before we are all frightened witless happy and peaceful.


Remember, readers: THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR!