Sir Mr the Merciless is saying there is a one-in-six chance of a snap general election this year, but what's this…
Is that the starting pistol or is it the sound of another Conservatory fox being BLOWN AWAY? Yes, it is trigger-happy Secret Stalin, Mr Frown who was announcing the creation of a special POLICE FORCE to patrol our Borders (and other book shops) as part of his new package to extend his powers of terror. Er, against terror.
The new force will be made up of officers from the Immigration Service and the Customs and Excise.
Now this COULD BE a revival of the old KING'S CUSTOMS MEN – the sort of people who used to hunt down pirates, and whose powers are almost unlimited: they certainly don't need any namby-pamby WRITS to search your property, and indeed can ARREST police officers who get in their way. The sort of people who will shoot you and then charge you for the bullets. Their powers were never curtailed… mainly because people were too afraid of what they might do if anyone tried!
(Which, of course, is why you should always do your VAT return!)
But the Liberal Democrats' Mr Clogg has been investigating and says that this is only a "Border Force Lite" without even the powers of the police.
No, Mr Frown has a quite different plan for our protection: ROBOTS!
"The way forward is electronic screening of all passengers as they check in and out of our country at ports and airports"said Mr Frown.
Yes, the new Border Police will be using ELECTRIC BRAIN TWEEZERS to check up on your thoughts as you try to get in or out of the country. Okay, maybe not… but it is to do with extending the use of those BIONICLE-METRIC passports and I.D.iot cards.
"Please place your face, thumb or eyeball in the receptacle provided!"And if your biodata does not match, then you might find yourself on a flight with some nice CIA people to a completely UNEXPECTED holiday destination.
In fact, in a RARE example of "cross-party consensus", Mr Frown announced his intention to steal all of the oppositions' policies AND keep all his own policies too.
So not only shall we be having Borders police AND I.D.iot cards; we shall be allowing the use of INTERCEPT EVIDENCE in courts AND still locking people up without charge for TWICE AS LONG as the (already extended) present limit. Or possibly FOREVER, as that is another of Mr Frown's options, though apparently this will be OKAY because he will give PARLIAMENTARY as well as JUDICIAL oversight. (Which really just begs the question: what happens if parliament and judges DISAGREE? Because there'll be NOOOOO reason for politicians to interfere in the impartial judgement for populist reasons, will there?)
The government's argument is "Better SAFE than SORRY", but is that ACTUALLY TRUE?
Does it not depend on how LIKELY you are to be sorry; and how MUCH it costs to be safe – and not just in MONEY, but also in FREEDOM?
Will people be safer if you spend ten billion pounds on I.D.iot cards or on more police people?
Will people be safer from being attacked by terrorists or are we just going to have our identities stolen from the government's new database?
Will people be safer if religion and politics and philosophy can be discussed and challenged openly, or if we live in a climate of fear and oppression and sneaking on each other to the SECRET POLICE?
Will people be safer if we make them queue for hours for the security checks at airports or are we actually just creating bigger targets?
But more importantly is any of this ACTUALLY going to make us SAFE at all? Or are we just going to surrender all our freedoms and STILL be sorry?
After all, you can make yourself SAFE by locking yourself in a water-proof, shock-proof, bomb-proof, air-tight box… and that SKELETAL fellow from the DISCWORLD will STILL tap you on the shoulder.
Speaking of whom, it seems he has come calling for Mr Balloon, who is – I am SAD to say – reacting to coming third in the by-elections like all of the other failed Conservatory leaders and playing the EUROPE CARD.
This was really the first TEST of Mr Balloon to see whether he would stick to his modernising agenda or would fall back on the CORE VOTE STRATEGY that has seen the Conservatories humiliated three times in a row.
Guess which choice Mr B went with?
This of course meant walking face-first onto Mr Frown's patented "Great Clunking Fist".
"The wheels have come off the Conservatory bicycle," said Mr Frown, "it's a good job they've got a car coming along behind them!"
Which is HILARIOUS but there is a problem.
The fact that the Conservatories go to pieces at the mention of the "E" word only gives Mr Frown a FREE PASS on any European question – this is actually BAD NEWS.
Much as I am in FAVOUR of sorting out the rules that run the European Union (and they REALLY need sorting out!) I still think that the British people should be given a proper say in the matter. ESPECIALLY since we were all PROMISED a say in the matter.
The fruit-loops in UKIP and the right-wing press have for a long time been CONSPIRING to convince people that the European Union is NOT what they voted for thirty years ago and is therefore BAD. That is, obviously, a SYLLOGISM. But being faulty logic doesn't stop people buying it. And denying a referendum yet again will only breed more disaffection with Europe and the Union.
Mr Frown does not really HAVE a satisfactory answer to the question Mr Balloon put – namely, "why CAN'T we have a referendum?" (Because Mr Frown's ACTUAL answer is: "because I don't ruddy well want one – it'll make me look a proper nana!")
But if he can paint it as a sign of WEAKNESS when Mr Balloon even MENTIONS the subject, he does not NEED an answer.
How are we supposed to have a National Debate if neither side will argue properly?
So the end of term at Parliament this year seems to see both the Labour and the Conservatories slipping back into type. Mr Frown wants more powers and threatens us with "the terror"; Mr Balloon has reverted to type and tried mixing it over Europe.
And they call it Silly Season when they're NOT there!