...a blog by Richard Flowers

Monday, February 27, 2006

Day 1883: Mr Balloon is on the Telly


Today I was going to tell you about my first most favoritest things, but Daddy Richard is shouting at the television at the moment, so I will tell you about that instead.

A baldy man has just appeared on the television in a story about Mr Balloon.

Last year the Blue Conservatives chose Mr Balloon to write their MANIFESTO. This is a sort of BOOK that says what you would do if you ran the country. Remember: my DADDY ALEX helps to write the Liberal Democrat manifesto! He is fab! I don't think anyone read it though, which is sad.

Anyway, Mr Balloon wrote that the Conservatives would like NASTY things. Since NO body wants nasty things, Mr Blair won the election.

In spite of this, the Conservatives decided that Mr Balloon should be their team captain.

So today Mr Balloon has apparently written a NEW manifesto that says that he was quite wrong to say he liked NASTY things and from now on he will only like NICE things.

Well DUH!

The baldy man said this would be a CLAWS FOR moment (which I THINK must mean that the Conservatives will have their "claws" out "for" Mr Balloon – which is bad news for a BALLOON if you THINK about it!)

Daddy Richard seems a bit cross that the BBC news are letting Mr Balloon make his announcement that he is now nice, rather than Mr Balloon using a proper Party Broadcast. (I have watched some of Daddy Alex's DVDs of "Party Broadcasts" and I do NOT understand what they have to do with parties: no one wears silly hats and there is NO cake. Which is very sad – NO ONE likes a party without cakes and hats!)

I think Daddy should be happy though – after all, Mr Balloon says he wants to be a Liberal like Daddy Alex: maybe this is one step nearer to him realising how to join the Liberal Democrats. Then he can come to our parties. We DO have cakes!

To be honest, though, I think he should knock down his Conservative and build a nice garage in its place.

PS: LIFE ON MARS was very fab too!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Day 1882: Licence to get a bit excited


James Bond is a SECRET AGENT. That means that his job is to save the world from BAD people. And be very cool.

So far he has saved the world from twenty BAD people in thirty years (and at least three of them were the same top baddie!) which means that as well as being very cool he gets to have lots of time off to watch DVDs as well.

And he has to be funny too. The BAD people are never funny (except that the top baddie sometimes gets to be SARCASTIC, which isn't really funny).

When Daddy Richard was away last week, Daddy Alex let me watch James Bond ALL THE TIME. That is why Daddy Alex is BEST!

The very first James Bond FILM was called DOCTOR NO. This was a VERY GOOD film, because it has several car chases and a big explosion at the end. This is how most films should be, and would certainly have made PRIDE AND PREJUDICE much less BORING!

Which is the very best James Bond film? This is a VERY DIFFICULT QUESTION. Usually it depends on which one I am watching! I think it is GOLDFINGER, which has a REALLY good car chase but nothing exiting explodes at the end, or GOLDENEYE which has a chase with a TANK and a pretty good explosion at the end.

There have been five James Bonds so far. (This is because they have to get actors to pretend to be James Bond to make the DVDs, but it is very wearing being so cool and they keep wearing out.)

My favourite is Pearce Brosnan, and also my favourite is Sean Connery. And also my favourite is George Lazenby even though he only did one. And Timothy Dalton, even though he only did two and one of those was LICENCE TO KILL. Plus Roger Moore, he's my favourite too.

There is going to be a new James Bond soon, and he is called DANIEL CRAIG. I am looking forward to this too. Also, he will be in CASINO ROYALE which is good because this will be a proper CASINO ROYALE which means that the other one DOES NOT COUNT!

I think Daniel Craig will be my favourite James Bond.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Day 1881: Favouritest Things


Today I'm going to tell you about my VERY FAVOURITEST THINGS.

My second MOST FAVOURITE thing EVER is, no hang on… My THIRD MOST FAVOURITE thing EVER is DVDs.

DVDs are shiny circles that sometimes have pictures on one side to tell you what they are. But really, they are place to keep moving pictures by making them very small, so small that only a LASER BEAM can see them!

When you put a DVD in the machine (which HAS GOT a laser beam in it!) then it can see the pictures and show them to you on the television too. This is VERY clever! I have tried looking VERY HARD at the DVDs but I can only ever see my fluffy face in them.

The REALLY clever thing is that even though all of them only seem to have my fluffy face on them, if you put them in the machine you get to watch lots and lots of different things!

DVDs stands for Digital Versatile Discs. This is because they were invented by Terrance Discs, the famous writer of DOCTOR WHO. (I will tell you about DOCTOR WHO another day.)

My daddies have bought LOTS of DVDs. They have bought two-thousand one-hundred and ninety-eight shiny discs. And that is LOTS. And they haven't watched all of them yet. BUT I HAVE!

At the moment, Daddy Richard is watching STAR TREK on DVD, but we have very, very nearly finished that. This is good because I am very BORED of Star Trek, especially the third year which is PANTS. (This means BAD underlined three times in red!)

Daddy Alex is watching THE WATER MARGIN. This is like ROBIN HOOD set in China and is usually quite good, with some good fighting – except at the start and the end of each story when they say something very silly about what the ancient sages say (usually something really obvious like "it's no good sticking your face in a fan if you want your nose to grow longer" which EVERYONE KNOWS, or else something really silly like "A COW is only A COW because it sings backwards" which NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY MEAN!)

The other thing that Daddy Richard is watching is MISS MARPLE, who is like Inspector Morse but very OLD and a LADY.

[R: It's the BBC's Miss Marple, starring Joan Hickson. Obviously.]

But the BEST DVDs are the DVDs of JAMES BOND. That is because JAMES BOND is my second MOST FAVOURITE thing EVER!

I’ll tell you about him tomorrow.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Day 1880: The story so far…

Actually, this is day 1 of writing my DIARY but I have just had Daddy count up all the days since I arrived and it is one-thousand and eight-hundred and eighty and no units.

It is a FRIDAY:

And so, I shall begin...

Once upon a time, the world began.

Then lots of boring stuff happened until the 1st of January 2001 when I arrived.
(Daddy goes on about the boring stuff A LOT but you don't need to worry about that.)

Since then I have lived in my flat with my two daddies: Daddy ALEX (who is very nice) and Daddy RICHARD (who is… staring at me very hard so I will only say that he is nice too. Or at least Daddy Alex thinks so, which probably means Daddy Alex is a bit soft. Soft is good.)

Most baby elephants do not get two daddies so I am either very special or very strange; you will probably have to read the rest of my diary in order to find out which!

Daddy Richard is an accountant. A long time ago (but after the world began, I THINK) he went to a place called Cambridge and they did lots of tests on him and said that his head was full of numbers and that it would be best if he went round counting things. I think that it would be better if this meant that was a COUNT but apparently that is something else ENTIRELY.

MY head is full of fluffy stuffing, which I think is a LOT better than being full of numbers, because I get to stay at home and watch DVDs while Daddy has to go out counting stuff.

Daddy Alex is a Liberal Democrat, which I think is like an ordinary Democrat but extra generous. Apparently this means that Daddy Alex is third in line to run the country if it weren't for some people called Mr Blair and Mr Balloon.

Mr Blair is a Labour, which means he must be hard work. And Mr Balloon is a Conservative, which is a sort of glass room on the side of a house.

I would much rather Daddy was running the country, since Mr Blair does not seen to be very good at it – certainly he makes Daddy Richard shout at the radio a lot, which cannot be GOOD! And I would give Daddy Alex lots of my VERY GOOD ideas!

[R: And he could ignore them all because being a Liberal means not imposing the ideas of a fluffy elephant on people without asking permission first.]

Anyway, much more importantly, we all live with my DVD player. (Which I allow my two daddies to use OCCASIONALLY when I'm not watching something important.)

Tomorrow I will tell you all about DVDs.